The Smile Curve

3-Minute Management Course

2008-08-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small Rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the Ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him Enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the Bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and Promptly dug him out….
…and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three-minute management course.

Quit the "99 CLUB"

2008-08-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there lived a King who, despite his luxurious lifestyle, was neither happy nor content. One day, the King came upon a servant who was singing happily while he worked.
This fascinated the King; why was he, the Supreme Ruler of the Land, unhappy and gloomy, while a lowly servant had so much. The King asked the servant, "Why are you so happy?"

The man replied, "Your Majesty, I am nothing but a servant, but my family and I don't need too much - just a roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummies."

The king was not satisfied with that reply. Later in the day, he sought the advice of his most trusted advisor. After hearing the King's woes and the servant's story, the advisor said, "Your Majesty, I believe that the servant has not been made part of The 99 Club."

"The 99 Club? And what exactly is that?" the King inquired. The advisor replied, "Your Majesty, to truly know what The 99 Club is, place 99 Gold coins in a bag and leave it at this servant's doorstep."

When the servant saw the bag, he took it into his house. When he opened the bag, he let out a great shout of joy... so many gold coins!

He began to count them. After several counts, he was at last convinced that there were 99 coins. He wondered, "What could've happened to that last gold coin? Surely, no one would leave 99 coins!" He looked everywhere he could, but that final coin was elusive. Finally, exhausted, he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to earn that gold coin and complete his collection.

From that day, the servant's life was changed. He was overworked, horribly grumpy, and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th gold coin. He stopped singing while he worked. Witnessing this drastic transformation, the King was puzzled. When he sought his advisor's help, the advisor said, "Your Majesty, the servant has now officially joined The 99 Club."

He continued,
"The 99 Club is a name given to those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented, because they're always yearning and striving for that extra 1, telling themselves: "Let me get that one final thing and then I will be happy for life." We can be happy, even with very little in our lives, but the minute we're given something bigger and better, we want even more! We lose our sleep, our happiness, we hurt the people around us; all these as a price for our growing needs and desires."

If you think you are in the 99 Club - the choice to quit is now and here...

Car Wars

2008-08-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

Honest Taxi

2008-08-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

Some Important Laws Newton Forgot to State

2008-08-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law Of Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Newton in Romantic Mood

2008-08-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money. "

First Law:
"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until on unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy."

Second Law:
" The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance."

Third Law:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl while using her sandals"

Beautifully Stated

2008-08-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Why Men make better friends than Women

2008-08-25T13:40:00.000-07:00

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her Husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Ultimate ... Advertisement..!

2008-08-25T13:36:00.001-07:00

Height of Silliness

2008-08-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Most expensive pen: $265,000

2008-08-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Swiss company Caran d'Ache made 'La Modernista Diamonds' a pen that was sold in Harrods, London, for $265,000.

Created in memory of architect Antonio Gaudi, the rhodium-coated solid silver pen has an 18-karat gold pen point and is pave-set with 5,072 diamonds and 96 half-cut rubies .

I Wish to Grow Fast !!!

2008-08-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

Caught Up In the Wrong Place

2008-08-25T12:43:00.000-07:00

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held.

The professor passed out a sheets of small paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. Our student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever written."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have not filled in anything and you definitely have failed the test. Tell me, what's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said, "You tell me..."

Impact on Change of a Job - Nice one

2008-08-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me! "

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years."

Life in the 1500's Very Interesting

2008-08-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

Interesting!

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500's:
These are interesting.

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children! Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found t have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

2008-08-24T07:05:00.001-07:00

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

2008-08-24T07:04:00.001-07:00

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

2008-08-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

LONGEVITY

2008-08-24T07:02:00.000-07:00

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Happiness

2008-08-24T07:01:00.000-07:00

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

2008-08-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Shopping Math

2008-08-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

Office Arithmetic

2008-08-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

Smart boss+smart employee = profit

Smart boss+dumb employee = production

Dumb boss+smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss+dumb employee = overtime

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK

2008-08-24T03:45:00.001-07:00

PEOPLE WONDER WHY THE CALL CENTRE GUYS ARE PAID SO MUCH......FOR JUST BEING ON THE PHONE. TAKE A LOOK:
1). Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
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2) Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
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3).Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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4) Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
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5). Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"
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6). Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."
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7). Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."
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8). Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
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9).Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"
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10). Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
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11). Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
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12). Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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13). A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
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14) customer care officer: I need a product identification no: right now and may I help u in finding it out?
Customer: sure
CCO: could u left click on start and do u find 'My Computer'?
Customer: I did left click but how the hell do I find your computer

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies

2008-08-24T03:38:00.000-07:00

1: I am currently out at on a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

Motivational Quotes

2008-08-24T03:27:00.000-07:00

"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing that's why we recommend it daily." - Zig Ziglar

"The poor, the unsuccessful, the unhappy, the unhealthy are the ones who use the word tomorrow the most." - Robert Kiyosaki (of the Rich Dad Poor Dad series)

How to tell if your boat is too small.....

2008-08-24T03:23:00.000-07:00

Blonde Kidnapper

2008-08-24T02:42:00.000-07:00

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.

She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note."I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM."

Signed,"The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."

The Ant Philosophy

2008-08-24T02:16:00.000-07:00

Wanna Laugh For Some Time

2008-08-24T02:10:00.000-07:00

Understanding Engineers

2008-08-22T12:58:00.000-07:00

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Theory Vs Practice

2008-08-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

Theory is when you know everything, and nothing works.

Practice is when things work, and no-one knows why.

Here we combine theory and practice: nothing works and no-one knows why.

World's Smallest Resignation Letter !!!

2008-08-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir,

I Love Your Wife.

Thank You

Creative Invoicing

2008-08-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

Children Writing About the Sea

2008-08-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an a$$hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

Thought you might find this Interesting - Amazing how small we are

2008-08-21T13:57:00.000-07:00

Now, THIS is fascinating - I've never really given this any thought whatsoever, but it's rather dazzling to see it presented this way.

I certainly thought this was enlightening. Didn't even realize we knew much beyond our sun .It's a big universe, keep scrolling.

Antares is the 15th brightest star in the sky. It is more than 1000 light years away.

The universe is so vast it is not comprehensible by the human mind. It would be like an ant trying to understand the wonder of the internet. It can't be done.

The universe humbles us as it should.

Burntout Syndromes

2008-08-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a Washerman was bringing up two donkeys.

Let us say Donkey-A and Donkey-B. Donkey-A felt it was very energetic and could do better than other. It always tried to pull the waterman's attraction over it by taking more load and walking fast in front of him. Innocent Donkey-B is normal ,so it will walk normal irrespective of the washer man's presence.

After period of time Washerman started pressurizing Donkey-B to be like Donkey-A. But Donkey-B unable to walk fast and got continuous punishment from Washerman. It was crying and told personally to Donkey-A "Dear friend, only we two are here, why to compete with ourselves ..we can carry equal load at normal speed -".

That made Donkey-A more energetic and next day it told to Washerman that it can carry more load and even it can run fast also. Obviously happier Washerman looked at donkey-B.., his BP raised and he started kicking donkey.

Next day with smile Donkey-A carried more load and started running fast. But it was breathtaking for Donkey-B and it couldn't act that way.. But washerman frustrated., so he harassed Donkey-B terribly, and finally it fell down hopelessly. Then Donkey-A felt itself as supreme and happily started carrying more load with great speed. But now the
Load of the Donkey-B also been carried by Donkey-A., still it has to run fast.

For some period it did., finally due to fatigue it tired and started feeling the pain. But washerman expected more from Donkey. It also tried best, but couldn't cope up with his owners demand. Waterman got angry at Donkey-A also and started harassing to take more load...It was crying for long time and then tried it best...But it couldn't meet owner's satisfaction.

Final day came due to frustration washerman killed Donkey-A and went for searching some other Donkeys for outsourcing.

The moral of the Story in Corporate life is..
"Feel all colleagues are same and everyone is capable..
Few like you will be better..
Share the Load equally..
Don't act smart in front of your Boss and don't try for getting over credit...
Don't feel happy when our colleague is under pressure.

Please also remember that over smart Corporate Donkeys are usually victims of BURNTOUT SYNDROMES.

True Friendship

2008-08-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Before and After Marriage

2008-07-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

Before the marriage:

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top

Naughty Toilets

2008-07-12T12:18:00.000-07:00

Wish.....

2008-07-12T12:16:00.000-07:00

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what She means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly Happy."

The Lord replied, "You want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?"

Cheers!!

Software Engineers....Nice One !!!

2008-05-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

There was a good old barber in Bangalore . One day a florist goes to him
for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies:

I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves
the shop.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
Barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.

The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there......

Scroll down for answer... . . . . . . .. . . . ...
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(Believe me its worth!!!!!!!!!!)
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A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts
of Forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

MOM Knows YOU Better.....Good One....

2008-05-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

One guy from a village is living in a high cost city along with a girl roommate.

His mother once come to visit his place and gets a bit stunned when she comes to know about it.
She tries to enquire to her son that what kind of the relationship they share and son says "we are just friends and roommates and there is nothing physical we share".

After a few days she goes back to village. And a day later the roommate girl complains to him that a silver jar is missing and she has doubt on his mother that she must have stolen it.

So the boy writes a letter to mother and say "I am not saying that you have stolen the jar, i am not saying you have not stolen the jar, but the fact remains the same as the jar is missing from the time you have went back."

A few days later he gets the reply from his mother. It says "I am not saying that you sleep alongwith your roommate girlfriend, I am not saying that you don't sleep with your roommate girlfriend, but the fact remains the same as if she would have slept in her bed, she may have got the jar under her pillow."

Something Really Interesting - Software Developers

2008-05-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

Our FRIEND was chatting with a female - Online chat.

(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)

Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero : OK (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).

Manager : Hey, I need some help from you

Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.

Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work....

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero : Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!

Don't get carried away....They are just Chairs !!!

2008-05-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

School Days Fun

2008-05-02T09:14:00.000-07:00

For all the math freaks.....here we go......

Good One.....Enjoy !!!

2008-05-02T09:12:00.001-07:00

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

3 Boons.....Long One....But a MUST Read

2008-05-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heard from her mother that if she does a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Devi" will come to her dreams & give her 3 boons(Varadaan). So she decided to do it. She completed 4 yrs successfully, doing prayer regularly.
And, really a "Devi" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.
Devi: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I amvery very happy with you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You canask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition!, what is that?
Devi: You have a boy-friend?
Girl: Yes.
Devi: When you were doing a prayer, he waswaiting for you, so he also sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didntknow anything about boon and all, so he is also eligible for the boons. Sowhatever you will ask, he will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed for the 1st boon.
Girl: (Afterthinking for some time ... ): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, Make me 10 times richer than the richest person in theworld.
Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.
Girl: It's OK.
Devi: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautifulgirl in the world.
Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: It's OK.
Devi: Be as you wish.
Devi: Now thelast boon remains.
Girl: O Devi, please give mea MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Devi: What? Are you sure!
Girl: Yes. Very sure!
Devi: Be as you wish.
Think friends,what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world'smost beautiful girl and the richest one, too.
Moral of thestory: So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more intelligentthan we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading ... boys continue till the end of themail .....
******
******
******
******
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Dear boys, dont worry, actually what done issomething different than what you all think!
Actually, the girl's boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDERthan that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl,being
world's richest and the most handsome boy.
Moral of the story: Dear boys, the girls are not really that intelligent than what we believe them to be.

I Want to Buy That

2008-04-10T15:31:00.001-07:00

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Corporate One Liners - Part 2

2008-04-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.

A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.

A penny saved has not been spent.

A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)

A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

Corporate One-Liners - Part 1

2008-04-10T15:19:00.001-07:00

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."

This Made me Laugh....

2008-04-10T15:09:00.001-07:00

Hey....this pic made me Laugh and relieve whole day pressures.....Whats your call on it Guys & Gals.....

Let me Introduce you Guys & Gals to the Smile Curve......So Say Cheeeeessse

2008-04-10T15:03:00.001-07:00

The Smile Curve

2008-04-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

In physiology, a smile is a facial expression formed by flexing the muscles most notably near both ends of the mouth. The smile can be also around the eyes.

Among humans, it is customarily an expression of pleasure, happiness, or amusement, but can also be an involuntary expression of anxiety, in which case it can be known as a grimace. There is much evidence that smiling is a normal reaction to certain stimuli and occurs regardless of culture.

Happiness is most often the cause of a smile. Among animals, the exposure of teeth, which may bear a resemblance to a smile, is often used as a threat or warning display - known as a snarl - or a sign of submission. In chimpanzees, it can be a sign of fear.